On being asked how I am losing weight....

There is far more to my "diet plan" than appetite suppressants and exercise.

The basics I have been following are just that basic. I have to make sure that my caloric intake does not exceed 1200 calories. In addition to that, I need to make sure that my exercise routine (if you will) burns at least 1/2 of the calories I am consuming. To that extent, my regular diet has an intake of appx. 900 calories and my exercise burns 600. That gives me a net gain of 300 calories requiring my body to consume itself for the balance of the 1200. I take appetite supressants (phendimetrizine) and a B12 everyday, but there is a whole other side to this process that not many who haven't "been there" know about.

I am talking from my experiences here, the only place I can speak from. I am just trying to give you some insight into where and why weight issues may happen.

You need to understand the psychology behind why people gain weight, and in this case I will use my very specific case.

I have a pretty good memory, and I can remember pretty far back in my life. I know that there was a time when I was a normal weight for my age, and that was around 2nd grade. In second grade something change in how I was able socialize with others in my class. There was no reason that I can think of other than shifting social dynamics. Ironically, it was in the 2nd grade where I started my love for singing and performing. Maybe that is what set me apart from the others, I don't know.

But it was at that point where the textbooks would tell me that I started compensating for feelings of inadequacy by looking to food for comfort and to fill the void as it were. As new age and hokey as that sound, it is essentially what happened. It is only now, at the cusp of 40, that I can fully understand and embrace what happened.

When I realized that I didn't like the same things as the others, and I didn't perform as athletically as others, I found myself moving away from the normal social circles. I shied away from those that put value on athleticism, because of the ridicule I would receive from them. That, sadly, actually included the coaches and faculty. As I found I thrived academically, I embraced that and began the track to a sedentary lifestyle. At that point, I hadn't started overeating yet. I was just eating a normal kid type diet, including all the usual suspects. It being the 70's, there wasn't a huge focus on fast foods, but my mom, God love her, isn’t the best cook, and tended to make what we would consider very fattening foods.

As I progressed in school, my social skills developed slowly, and I had to develop coping mechanisms to protect myself, epically as I entered into the time that girls became an issue. Rather than put myself out there and take risks, I hung back. To that effect, it was at that point where I started my poor eating habits that led me to where I ended up. I used my weight as a barrier between myself and others, keeping them at a distance, and keep myself armored. It also lowered people’s expectations of what I could do.
I used to tell myself that I could only trust were those who could see past my weight to the true me. I also used to make fun of my own weight before anyone else could. But what I didn't realize that this only gave those people permission to mock me. It also lowered their opinions of me, for if I didn’t respect myself, why should anyone respect me.

By the time my social skills had gotten to the point where I could deal with the issues I was having, too much had taken root for me to change. Having lead a sedentary life for so long, I was willing to accept the status quo, and just go forward with it. Always knowing in the back of my mind that I need to change, but ultimately not caring. I look back over high school to 3 months ago, and I can see where that mindset has led me.

It wasn't all bad, because prior to my paradigm shift I met Amy and started a life that I never anticipated I deserved, and that has a lot to do with me finding the church and learning if God loved me without reservation and found me deserving of answering me, then I could do no less for myself. Truthfully, it’s a lesson that hasn't fully set in yet, but I am getting closer.

But the parts that were bad, I wouldn't wish on anyone. It wasn't because I was overweight, per say. It’s because of the mindset I had because of it, the mindset that led me to my weight. It allowed me to not care enough to take care of myself when I got into situations where I was, well in danger. Not necessarily mortal danger, but is in a place where I was allowing myself to be hurt.

There have been 2 times in my life where I have been able to lose weight. Both times the loss was 100 pounds, and both times I gained back 150. The reason I was able to do this, was because other people made me do it. I was thrilled at my results, but they weren't for me. They were for them, and when those people left my life, my reason to lose weight left with them.

What I am doing now is for me, no one else. I need to do this, and I did this on my own. Well, there was a lot of praying involved and some prompting on the correct way to go. But the initial seed of desire came from me. I know, as sure I a breath, that I will not go back down that path because this is for me. I made drastic and significant changes in the way I think and do things.

What I am trying to tell you, and show you, is that it isn't as easy as seeing a nutritionist, taking pills, and exercising. There is an underlying reason for people to gain and keep on weight, whether they realize it or not. You can go thru all the actions and lose the weight, but unless you address what the cause was, it just comes back. Unless it’s done the right way for the right reasons, it just comes back. Love, comfort, and support are three of the most important aspects of trying to change one’s life. But the seed has to be that persons desire to make the change. They can't be led, scared, coerced or otherwise manipulated into it. They have to want it, and see that it makes everything a whole lot better.